Locked Out of Heaven
by RiversDontBreak
Summary: Jonathan finds himself in a bit of a tight space after meeting a pretty blonde and trouble brewing, but this time it's not exs he's got to worry about it's the undead, and can he find the pluck to be the hero and make his sister proud, and just maybe win the girl who's worth having in the deal too.
1. A Little More Whiskey

Jonathan Carnahan was doing what would have been called back in England "a pub crawl". In Cairo it amounted more to him getting kicked out of over six different bars in the same night. Most of which because he already owed too much there already. He tipsily made his way down a small backstreet singing Danny Boy with all his might, and to his surprise he heard a voice inside what seemed to be a sort of ten table restauarant, small, quaint, and hidden away. He walked in, and saw the face that belonged to the voice, it was a blonde cleaning down the counter at what looked to be a bar. It certainly had all the signs of being a bar, a nice collection of glasses on display, and bottles behind the singing lady.

"Good evenin'" she said in a strong and rich american accent, much fuller than Rick's. This was what Jonathan had grown up expecting Americans to talk like, slow and long, and a bit lazily. "What can I do for you this evening?" she asked putting away a glass she'd just finished drying.

"Scotch, if you please miss" Jonathan said plopping himself down on a barstool.

"You're English" she remarked, taking a shot glass from under the bar and filling it. "You don't just look it, you sound it" she said as she passed it to him. "So you're in a bar in Cairo and you're English... which means you're not a missionary, well not the usual kind at least." She said pertly. Smiling at the man, not in admiration as much as amusement.

"No" he began slurring a bit "I am an adventurer!" he declared.

"Oh really?" she asked, leaning over the bar with feigned interest and an air entirely composed of sarcasm.

"Yes! a wealthy adventurer!" he added even more dramatically.

"Wealthy you say?" she asked concealing her sarcastic smirk that he was too drunk to take note of.

"Yes, let me tell you the story of how I came by my gold!" he said, gesturing towards the room and then swiveling back around, bringing his face within a couple inches of her nose. He reeked of whiskey and various other intoxicants. The woman at the bar moved back a bit.

"Do tell" she said. At the very least it would provide some amusement while she cleaned up and in an hour she'd be closing and could kick him out, though he seemed a nice enough guy, she'd do him the favor of calling someone to pick him up.

And so Jonathan began upon the story of the Mummy. Enlarging his part enormously, reducing Rick to his trusty sidekick, and leaving out Evelyn for all except some of the translation bits, and then repeatedly saying she was his sister, he had high hopes of flirting his way into a couple of free drinks, perhaps more, though this American bar mistress didn't look too promising for all that much. She was very pretty, but she looked as if she were made of the exact kind of mettle, the firm decisive and principled kind to be exact. Not his kind at all. And so he was coming to a major climactic point, he had had to include his sister in this part, and so here he was, charging forth, armed to the teeth to rescue his poor sister from a faint worse than death, when in came Rick and Evelyn, running into the bar, they barely heeded that it was Jonathan sitting there, because four large, extremely tall undead bird-headed mummies were pursuing them.


	2. Hangover

Jonathan lept over the bar, crouching behind it, his nose nearly being take off when the barmaid yanked her rifle out from in front of it, where she kept it stowed and loaded under the bar. His eyes went wide a bit as she found a target, and shot it's head off. Rick turned to see who had fired and did a double take, she seemed familiar to him, but now was hardly the time or place for remembering past acquaintences, he pulled out his two pistols and shot at one mummy until it was in bits.

"Do something!" Jonathan screamed as a mummy drug him out from behind the bar and pinned him to the wall. The barmaid didn't have time to reload, but she grabbed the bottle of Scotch that Jonathan had managed to go through most of, stuffed the end of her bar towel into the mouth, and lit a match, hurling the makeshift moltov at the mummy and watching it burst into flames, writhing into cinders on the floor.

Evelyn and Rick had managed to eradicate the others, and they had fled in bits and pieces out of the bar.

"What the hell was that?" she asked, and that's when Rick knew, he knew that voice, that loud, strong voice.

"Billie?" he said fanning the gunsmoke out of his eyes.

She looked at him and then a huge grin burst on her face. "I should have known, my bar in ruins, trouble at the door, who else could it be besides Richard O'Connell. " she said laughing and then she rushed to him, punched him solid in the arm.

"Ow!"

"You deserve it and you know it" she said, and then hugged him "Lord it feels like years since I've seen you" she said letting go.

"That's because it has been years" he replied with some sarcasm. Evie just watched, curious as to just who this woman was, and how exactly she knew her husband.

"You know him?" Jonathan asked, helping himself to a drink.

"Of course. How do you is the question?"

"Well, you see, remember that partner I was telling you about, in my adventures, that's him, he's also married to my sister" he explained, using the shot glass in his hand to gesture to Evie.

"Now that is the wildest part of your tale yet Mr Carnahan, you may have fought the undead, which I'm beginning to believe that bit after what just happened by the way, but there's no way you'll get me to believe that this ragamuffin got himself a bride half so pretty, much less one at all" she said laughing heartily. Rick just stood there somewhat chagrined and looked from his laughing friend to his wife and back, resigning himself to the fact that Billie had a point. How had he been so lucky?

"Were you telling her the mummy story?" Evie asked.

"Yes..." Billie looked from the pale Englishman to Rick and back, "And knowing who his "partner" was now, I'm beginning to think he may have exaggerated his own place in the story a bit." She said smirking and then pouring three drinks.

"Oh no" Evie said reluctantly, "I can't" and with that she pulled her gown a bit more taut and showed a small bump "I've been told it's not healthy, and better safe than sorry... though I will take a tonic water if you have one, might soothe the stomach." She said sitting down, everything felt more exhausting with this tiny human slowly growing inside of her, much less fighting the undead. "So how do you and Rick know each other?" she asked smiling.

"Well long before I owned my own establishment, like I do now, I worked in my uncle's bar. Worked there and I kid you not, this man here" she said shaking an accusatory finger at Rick started more fights and broke more bottles and furniture than anyone else to ever step foot in the bar" she said smiling "and was the surest friend when you needed one, and the bravest guy I ever met" she said proudly.

"I'd believe it" Evelyn said smiling. It was always interesting seeing old friends of Rick's and adding color to the grey hues of his life before her.

Jonathan felt a bit sulky. He was being ignored for reminiscences, but it wasn't a total loss, there was plenty of good alcohol to be had, so he settled in at the end of the bar with a bottle while the three of them chatted. Through his slowly deteriorating vision he saw the bobbing blonde curls and big smile of Billie Christensen. He nodded off and woke up late in the morning the next day on the couch at his sister and Rick's house. He got up, and suddenly felt very ill, he headed to the toilet but he came in to find Evie's hair, as morning sickness wore away at her. The sight and smell overcame him and his nausea swelled. Rick handed him the bin. Evelyn had priority. He rolled his eyes as the two of them heaved, feeling like a mother with two overgrown children to keep in line. In Jonathan's case he was faily accurate with that conclusion.

Later at dinner, Jonathan casually brought up Billie "we should have her over for dinner, I mean surely she's been a bit traumatized by the mummy incident, she's not used to it like us and all, we should make sure she's okay."

"Where is this 'we' coming from, this is Evie and I's house" Rick said over his bowl of soup, glaring at his brother-in-law "and I'm pretty certain nothing short of an army of dragons could traumatize good ole Billie" he said smiling.

"You two were good friends" Evie remarked.

"We were, she was always there to bind up my wounds after a night of slugging loud-mouthed idiots who more than deserved it. "

She just nodded, she knew that her husband didn't have the most patience in the world and she also had a feeling that some of his fights had been brought on by someone being rude to his friend Billie, she knew barmaids didn't get the most respect in the world.

"Maybe we should have her over though, I'd like to get to know her better, and you could reestablish your friendship" she suggested.

"Sure thing hon" Rick said and Jonathan perked up. "You're not invited" he scowled. He had spent a lot of time punching guys just like his brother-in-law who thought Billie was just another common barmaid, not a true lady, just rough around the edges. She and he were two peas in a pod, the same but with a different method and opposite genders, everything else was the same... that and she wasn't quite as easy at losing her heart as poor Rick. She had a firm idea of her handsome prince and was holding out for his arrival, however late in her life he might come.


	3. Wine and Dine

The next week Evelyn was laying out an extra space for dinner at the table, and Jonathan was there, much to the annoyance of Rick, but Evie with her usual tact, had managed to make Jonathan agree, for her sake, not to make any advances on the blonde American. Rick was pacified. The door bell rang.

"I'll get it" Jonathan said, and before Rick could argue he was already down the stairs.

"Why don't you look marvelous" he was ready to say upon opening the door, but suddenly his mouth was dry and felt like it was stuck to the roof of his mouth. Gone was the buckskin skirt and white blouse, she was in a royal shade of blue, and the dress fluttered like a butterfly as the wind blew her gown and hair. Jonathan shook his head, recovering his voice enough to welcome her inside. Rick was there, and helped her upstairs, looking over her shoulder and mouthing to the still dumbfounded Jonathan "you promised" the Englishman blithely nodded and followed them upstairs. He didn't consider himself as a man of much honour, and this was a promis that might need breaking. She was quaint and exotic at the same time and all through dinner he for once was silent, just taking in her looks and laughter and listening to the stories she and Rick shared of their time together.

"So you and Rick?" he finally piped up "you're really more like siblings than anything else" he supposed.

"Why goodness of course!" she said "You could hardly suppose anything more, I mean look at us. I know I never saw him as anything besides my good pal, and I'm fairly certain men don't fancy girls who can beat them at arm-wrestling" she teased, sipping her wine.

"That was one time" Rick said. Evelyn raised her eyebrow.

"One time that you won" Billie teased.

"And one time that you won, the rest were draws" he said.

"Because I didn't want to make my best pal look bad in front of the boys" she quipped back.

"More like I didn't want to beat a girl, but neither did I want to let you win, might narrow your field of potential sweethearts" he sassed back.

"Speaking of which" Jonathan spoke up again and Rick shot him a withering glance "does our fair guest have any such sorts in her life?"

Billie threw her head back and laughed down to her belly "He's funny" she said pointing a bit tipsily to Jonathan as she looked at Rick "didn't we just establish, men don't want girls who can beat them arm-wrestling" she giggled in her glass of wine.

"So, no one I missed the chance to beat up?" Rick teased but really he was curious too, he'd like to see his favourite girl married and happy much the same as he and Evie were. She deserved a good man, certainly one much better than the one that was eyeing her from across the dinner table.

"Nope, I think my knight lost his armour and fell off his horse a few too many times and forgot he was supposed to be finding me" she said light-heartedly. She didn't mind being alone, less worries that way. She looked up from her wine and her eyes met Jonathan's bright blue ones. She shook her head and looked away. He was nice to look at but he wasn't what she was looking for at all. Shortly after she told them goodnight and was preparing to leave. Something noble stirred in Jonathan and slipping out right after she'd left, he ran down the street and caught up with her.

"Thought I should walk you back" he said.

Billie looked at him a bit funny but accepted without protest "what? so you can help yourself to some more of my fine scotch" she said with a grin as she took his offered arm. He laughed, she was clever and she wasn't going to be an easy catch. If he had any intentions of winning her, it was going to be a challenge.


	4. The Buzz

Jonathan sped back home after seeing Billie safely to her door. He didn't want to risk arousing Rick's suspicions and when he returned he was on his best behaviour, even helping to clean up the dishes while Evie laid down, the pregnancy didn't promise to be an easy one on her. Rick was suspicious despite the quick time with which Jon had returned and kept casting dirty looks his direction while they washed up the dishes. He put the last one away and then stared Jon dead in the eye "you promised, remember that, she's better than your sort, and don't think she doesn't know that too" he said menacingly.

"So I'm not allowed to have feelings Rick?" he protested.

Rick gave him a sarcastic look that doubted whether he was capable of feelings beyond those of the physical kind. "Goodnight Jonathan" he said and closed the door, going in to comfort Evie.

Jonathan went back to his flat down the street and flopped onto the bed. As he drifted off to sleep he vaguely wondered what the mummies that had barged into the bar had been after, Evie had said something about them being scouts. He didn't undertand, nor did he really care, it was idle curiousity.

From that day on, Billie spent Sundays visiting the O'Connell's after she went to church. She invited them to join, and to everyone's surprise Jonathan volunteered before either Evie or Rick could respond, and so all four of them attended Sunday morning services, Jonathan to see Billie and Rick to keep an eye on Jonathan, and Evie to make sure the two boys didn't come to blows. Billie was oblvious to most of this, though she did notice how Jonathan always contrived to sit beside her in church, and seldom had his eyes on the preacher. Then a Sunday came and it was just him, Evie was further along and the pregnancy had kept her at home, and Rick tending to his unwell wife. Jonathan was truly concerned for his sister, but he also didn't mind that this meant he could see Billie without being under Rick's watchful eye.

"Would you like to take a walk through the gardens in the city center?" he asked her after church service was over.

"Why yes, but I thought you'd be wanting to get back to Evelyn?"

Jonathan paused for a moment, waiting for his brain to create the perfect smooth response "we can pick her some flowers there" he suggested "That should cheer her up" he said and took her arm. They walked along, he thought she looked just like a flower herself in her light lavendar dress and her hat trimmed with peach coloured ribbon and flowers from the window-boxes she kept. They sat and talked, and walked along the less trod paths for hours, forgetting about time. He knew he didn't deserve someone like her, still didn't stop her from wanting her to be his.

A bee from one of the flowers landed on her cheek. She didn't flinch or scream or anything, she just held still, and hoped it would move on soon.

"Here, let me" he said, gently brushing it off her cheek, softly enough that it wouldn't sting her.

"Thanks" she said looking up at him. She saw him hide his hand behind his back. "Did it sting you?" she asked.

"Nah, tis but a scratch" he said dismissively.

"Let me see" she said reaching for his hand, she looked it over, it was red and swelling, she reached into a nearby flowerbed and put some of the damp earth on it. "That should keep it from swelling too bad" she said as he held still, she sprinkled some more water on the dirt to make it a bit more moist and then without a second thought pulled out of her ribbons from off of her hat and bound it on there so it wouldn't fall off before it dried and extracted the sting.

"You shouldn't have" Jonathan said, though he didn't mind that she still had his hand in hers, it was the most exciting hand holding experience he'd ever had, even if no doubt, she was thinking nothing of it.

"It's just a ribbon, I don't put too much store by that sort of thing" she said and then looked up at him "now my friends, that's another matter" she added, her dusky grey eyes meeting his.

He smiled and picked her hat up off the bench, he wanted to kiss her, badly. But he simply put it in her hands. She smiled.

"You can be quite the gallant gentleman when you have the notion" she said as she watched the bees buzz around them "Jonathan Carnahan" she added. It was a nice name, and he was a nice man, when he had the mind to be.

"Billie" he said, unsure of what was going to come next. What happened in the pause was something a bit unexpected. First he felt the first contact of her soft lips on his cheek, near enough to his lips that all he had to do was tilt his head to catch them, but then it was gone, and a scream followed by a round of oaths made his eyes fly open and shattered the moment. Billie was being drug away, by the same undead scouts that had attacked Rick and Evie and followed them to the bar. Jonathan chased them, but in vain, he watched as they drug her to the fountain in the middle of the garden, threw her under the water and then they dissolved into droplets in the shape of men and flew skyward, taking Billie with them.


	5. A Shot of Courage

Jonathan rushed back to the O'Connell's house.

"EVIE!" he shouted bursting into the house.

"What the hell Jonathan?" Rick shouted from upstairs "she's sleeping."

"Well wake her up, there's an emergency!" he shouted.

"I'm not waking her up, she's had a rough enough day already!"

"Not as rough as Billie and mine's!" he retorted barrelling up the stairs. "They've taken her, those damned mummies that were after you and Evie a couple months back!"

"Right, waking up Evie!" he said panic in his eyes. He turned around, and saw his wife, none too happy about being woke up.

"I'm awake, what is it?" she asked a bit cranky.

"What were you doing that made those mummy scout things chase you and Rick to Billie's that night?" Jonathan asked, strained and concerned.

She rubbed her head "we had been working with some artifacts from a dig, I'd read a bit of a stone, it was broken, so I could only make sense of bits of it."

"What did it say?" he asked, practically pleading.

"Something about silver fountains and a stone beyond price, and pure something, I think it was starlight" she said.

"Nevermind all that, thought what was that about beyond price?... nevermind, does it give a location?"

"We could go to the museum and look at it, see what exactly it says. Though that's what Rick and I were trying to find out, the location, there was a chest matching the one where we found the first tablet, but after the undead breaking up Billie's bar, we figured we ought to let sleeping dogs lay."

"Sleeping dogs be damned! we're going to the museum sis" he said giving her his arm to help her downstairs.

He drove furiously to get to the museum, they went inside to the area where the artifacts in the process of restoration were stored.

"Which chest?" Jonathan asked.

"This one" Rick said taking it and hurling it to the stone floor, busting it open, causing his wife to flinch at the damage to the historical piece. They dug out the other stone and from the cracked box and looking at, Evie brought over the other piece and put them together and read the text,

"It says, when the daughter of the gods of the north is found and tastes the first fruits of spring she will be ready, and taken to the palace where the silver fountains flow in the gardens of starlight and the gem whose worth is beyond count... oh"

"Oh?" Jonathan asked "Oh what Evie?"

"It's not a literal gem" she said.

"So what?" Rick replied "could be an anthill for all I care, where is it?"

"Same here" Jonathan added.

"It's her soul. The pure gem beyond worth is the soul of the virgin from the norh, daughter of the gods. That's what it's saying."

Jonathan's eyes went a bit wide, he hadn't been expecting that.

"Okay, we need to find her before the sons of bitches can do whatever it is they're planning. Jonathan, you stay and take care of Evie, she's in no state to travel and I'm not risking her and the baby" Evie got up to protest. "Hon, you're not gonna win this one, think of our baby" he said putting his hands on her stomach.

"But if this is the description of Aaru, the Egyptian's heaven, if this place exists it"

"No" Rick said.

"That's it" Jonathan said "That's why they need a" he blushed a bit, thinking of Billie in such a light "a virgin, and one of immortal ancestry." he said.

"Of course, pure blood, and blood of a god, it would open the gates to heaven" Evie continued.

"Great, now get back to the house, I'll go out, you keep an eye on her Jonathan" he warned.

"No!" he said standing to his feet.

"Excuse me?" Rick asked.

"I'm coming with you" he said.

"It's dangerous" Rick retorted.

"I don't care" he said.

"No treasure is worth leaving Evie alone for" he said angrily.

"Which is why I should come" she chimed in.

"NO!" both men said in the same instant.

"It's why Rick should stay with you, I'll go"

"I said no treasure is worth this" Rick reminded his brother-in-law.

"I'm not doing it for the treasure!" he shouted "I'm doing it for her! I may not be the brave soldier that you are Richard, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to be, and just this once I want to be the one who saves the damsel in distress and wins the day! I want to be the knight in shining armour, if not for anyone, at least for her, now where do I start?"

Both Evie and Rick were stunned into silence at this burst of heartfelt emotion from her brother, and so they stayed up all night and outlined the journey, and all the steps he might need to take according to the myths and legends surrounding Aaru.

"So, fifteen gates, guarded by demons with knives and fire on both sides of the road, right, been through worse" he said, though internally he was scared beyond his wits.

"You'll have to find the white pyramid, it should be the one furthest east in all the land, which logically means it should be the Pyramid of Sallum, never heard of it being white, but it's the most eastern and maybe it's a trick of light or something."

"Maybe?" Jonathan pressed "that's the best you can give sis?" he asked petulently.

"Well, I didn't live when they wrote this, and for all I know the whitewash has been washed away" she retorted angrily "yes, it's the best I can do!" she said.

"Alright, I'll go" Jonathan said getting to his feet and heading for the door.

"Jon" Rick said calling out to him, "Take this with you" he said, and he handed him his sword from their first adventure, when they'd fought the mummy and saved Evie.

"One question Evie, or maybe I should ask you Rick, why is Billie a daughter of the northern gods?"

"Don't know" he said.

"Well what's her name, surely not actually Billie, maybe it'd be a clue" he said.

"Can't tell you, she'll kill me dead" Rick replied with genuine fear in his eyes.

"She may die if you don't tell me" Jonathan shouted.

Rick sighed and shook his head "Wilhelmena" he said with a sigh "Wilhelmena Meredith Christensen."

"Wilhelmena was a nordic shieldmaiden, daughter of Thor and a mortal, maybe it's just the name that matters" Evie said.

"Maybe, either way, I'm sure I'll figure it out once I get there" he said leaving, eyeing Rick's sword uncomfortably. What had he gotten himself into. This wasn't his style, he wasn't a fighter... but he felt that just maybe, maybe for her he could try to be, he'd at least die trying. Go down in glory like old Winston in the plane crash when they had went to save Evie from the mummy. All he could do was hope for assistance along the way.

He brought a couple of books on ancient egyptian, and translation with him on the train to the east, he felt he'd need to know it a little better if he wanted any chance of saving the girl and his own skin too.


End file.
